Ok, so let me start off by saying.. it’s not that I DON’T think I need to lose weight. It’s more like … I just don’t care enough.

I’m happy with myself.
 I’m pretty happy in life. 
Not necessarily of my body, but it’s not so bad to where I have a real BAD body image. As in, I don’t sit around and fret about how fat I am, or how my stomach looks like a pony keg. Or … that.. my love handles are no longer lovable. They’re downright muffintops.
The only time I really sit there and think, OH DAMN! What happened to the semi nice body (which truth be told I wasn’t that happy with even back then) that fit into a six? I want THAT girl back.
The sad part is, I MADE myself gain weight. I was happy when I gained the weight. See, when I was younger I was a size 00 and I HATED it. I had really bad self image problems back then. I was disgusted with myself.
So when I finally started gaining weight, I was happy about it. I was ecstatic to trade my size 12 in KIDS sizes for a 1 at age 22. And even happier when I finally fit into a 3. A five? SURE! Why not? Bring it! A 6? I welcome thee! I was 26 by this time.
An 8? Meh… why the hell not?
Unfortunately, as you can see, I have dyslexic anorexia. I see myself in the mirror and I see a skinny girl. Not a PERFECT girl. But a skinny girl nontheless.
With muffintops.
And a belly.
SEE? I didn’t say I thought I was perfect. The problem is I just don’t think I’m as fat as I really am.
UNTIL? I see myself in pictures. Yeah… then I’m like… WOW! I seriously need to lose weight. Like really. Like NOW. Like… as in… put the Starbucks down.
Throw away the Milky Way.
And walk away from the junk food.
No. Seriously. WALK AWAY.
Better yet? RUN.
RUN fast.
Run hard.
Every day. Until you lose the weight. UGH!
Then a few minutes later I forget about the picture and focus on life. And how happy I am. And how blessed I feel.
And I forget.
I forget about ponykeg belly.
I forget about love handles.
I forget about the quarterback shoulders.
And I buy a Starbucks.
And I eat the Milky Way.
And I drink the beer.
What do I do? How do I change my mindset?
But more importantly? Do I really want to? Do I want to become self obsessed. Do I want to focus on my negative attributes? Do I want to think lesser of myself?
Or ohMYgawddd…. I just thought of something!!!
Is this whole, “I’m happy with myself” just a way to self sabotage?
Like as in… maybe? Subconsciously? I am not really happy and maybe I feel I don’t deserve to be happy so I sabotage my diet.
I sabotage my exercise.
I sabotage it by convincing myself that it’s ok. I’m happy just the way I am.  Maybe way in the back of my mind I really am not as happy as I think. Maybe I’m misereable and don’t even know it? 
So much to think about while I bite into this piece of cake.

One response to “Sabotage

  1. This is why I ride bikes, they burn an incredible amount of calories, so I can eat more later!

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