A few years ago I came accross this book called Three Days In New York City by Robin Slick. I read a review in a blog I frequented regularly and it sounded interesting so I thought I’d give it a try. You see the blogger talked about how funny and quick witted the book was.
Oh sure! Don’t get me wrong! It mentioned other stuff but what drew me in was the fact that the reviewer/blogger mentioned how he hadn’t laughed so hard yadda yadda… how funny it was, etc etc.
That is what drew me to it. Not the “other stuff.” The funny stuff.
The day my book order came in was a day that my boys had baseball practice.
“Yay,” I thought! “Now I have reading material for the two hours that we are gonna be stuck at practice.”
So there I go! I got to practice and took my book out and started reading.
Page one umm… hu?
Page two: WHOA… whatta?
I was only able to read about a page and half. OK OK so maybe it was three. It was then that I realized I had to stop reading it.
Don’t get me wrong. It turned out to be a very funny book but…
you’re gonna think I’m a dumb ass..
and I should have known better..
Don’t judge me! I’d never read this “type” of book.
I mean, I could sort of imagine… but I guess I really didn’t know…
It’s labeled EROTICA.
And yes, while I know what the word means, I guess I didn’t really “KNOW” what the word meant?
Yes, I can be slow like that. I’d never read erotica before and didn’t really know what to expect. Well, ok maybe I just figured it would have a passionate kiss here and there and maybe a description of a nipple being perky or a private part tingling with anticipation. But I wasn’t exactly figuring it was gonna be how it was.
The book starts off with phone sex while she’s on public transportation on her way to meet her lover at a hotel in New York City while wearing a short skirt with no panties, per HIS request. And by phone sex, I mean VERY EXPLICIT phone sex.
Ummm yeah. Definitely feeling “funny” but not funny-ha-ha. Feeling a little bit more like “funny, I never expected THIS!”
So anyways, after reading a little bit my face started to feel a little flushed. I looked up and felt like all the other baseball moms were staring at me. With INDIGNATION!
Oh my GOD! Did they KNOW?
Can they read my thoughts as I’m reading?
Can they tell that my heart is racing?
Can they feel my sweaty palms?
Did I accidentally mouth the words as I was reading?
Or worse…. did they have Three Days In New York City at home?
Did they recognize the cover?
Are they judging me thinking, “BAD MOM, reading that smut while at at her kids baseball practice? I mean, what kind of mother does that?”
The crack-ho/nynpho kind, that’s what.
— So I very discreetly put the book back IN my purse, looked around to see if anybody had been able to read my thoughts.
*If I was Catholic I would have quickly recited ten hail Mary’s(is that what they call it?)
I can’t even remember what those prayers are called. Not that it matters since I’m not Catholic, so even if I did know what it was called and how to recite them, the Catholic God would look down at me from heaven and say, “Nice try, Twinkie, but you’re not fooling anyone!”
That evening I went home, made dinner and did all that other motherly/wifely stuff, then once everyone was in bed, I finished the book. Devoured it, really.
I was like a perv in a brothel.
Don’t judge me! To my defense, like I said, not only is it “EROTICA” but it’s really funny too.
The book follows a sexual escapade between a married almost 40 year old American woman going through a sort of mid-life crisis empty nest syndrome. She’s bored with her corporate job. Regrets not following her dreams as an artist and decides to take a cyber-office romance with an overconfident, freaky Brit to the next level.
What ends up happening between this unfullfilled but very vanilla American will make you laugh out loud till your stomach hurts.
It was a short and very easy read.
Since then? Erotica became my very own guilty pleasure.
Don’t worry though. I’ve learned my lesson. From now on, if the cover has certain key words like sex, erotic, for dirty crack ho nympho’s only, etc on it, I will NOT take it to my kids practice. In fact? I will ONLY read it in the privacy of my bedroom. With the door shut.