A few years ago my daughter brought a friend home and said, “Mom, she needs your advice. She’s scared and doesn’t know what to do and she wants to run away from home.”
Turns out her friend had a secret she was keeping from her parents. This secret was eating her up sooooo bad for sooo long she eventually felt she had no way out except to run away.
My advice to her was come out with it. I told her she needed to suck it up and just tell her mom. Even if she ran away, her mom was eventually going to find her secret out because you can’t keep stuff to yourself forever. Right? Plus running away only makes things worse. You can run but you can’t hide forever.
I gave her different scenarios and helped her come up with the right words to say. This girl’s biggest fears which she had difficulties overcoming were that her mom would be pissed.
“She’ll kick me out of the house.”
“She’ll hate me.”
I told her, “Maybe she will.”
WHAT? I wasn’t gonna lie to her.
The thing is, you can’t change people’s reactions to life. You just can’t. You can try by the way you come at them or the words to choose to express yourself.
What you CAN do, however, is ease your own conscience. Let it out and suffer the consequences. It’s only going to eat you up if you don’t.
“I wrecked the car.”
“I got an F.”
“I was in a fight at school”
When you DO tell them it’s almost certain that her initial reaction will be a negative one. Can you blame her? Put yourself in her shoes! And yes, she probably WILL be pissed. Maybe she WILL think about kicking you out of the house.
And maybe… probably NOT but maybe.. she will hate you. Temporarily.
I know what you’re thinking, “I would NEVER hate my children. That’s awful.”
*And yes, you’re right! That IS awful. And in a perfect world every parent would be like June Cleaver or Mrs. Brady. But we’re not in a perfect world. Not all parents are equipped with those perfect nurturing skills that guide us in the right direction, with all the right words and all the right attitudes to take when our children hit us with something BIG.
So yes! Maybe your mom will react negatively towards you. But then after a while, when the initial shock is gone and the anger has subsided and she realizes that no matter what the circumstances are, you are STILL HER DAUGHTER, she will eventually remember how much she loves you.
Like I said before, we as parents aren’t perfect. We spend the better part of our lives raising you, the whole time dreaming up all these expectations for you (our children).
We envision that they are going to do all the great things we did, or wanted to do but weren’t able to. Everything we dreamed up for ourselves we have now put on the shoulders of our children. Yes it IS a heavy burdern to carry. YES it’s not fair.
But it happens. Then when life happens, and not according to our plan, well… we tend to take it a little personal. We might get angry, defensive, stubborn, closed minded, etc. BUT we’ll get over it.
You can’t hold back your secrets forever. And the sooner you let them out, the sooner the people around will react however they are going to react, thus, the sooner you can all move on with your lives.
Why I am going off on a rant about mother/daughter or father/daughter relationships? Because every character in Divas Don’t Yield by Sofia Quintero are struggling with their own secrets they are keeping from their parents.
And even though I know it’s just a book, I also know how real those scenarios are and I feel like jumping into the book and giving these girls the same advice I gave my daughter’s friend years ago.
“Everything will be OK… eventually. Just do it. Do it now. Don’t drag it around for years because no matter when you choose to tell her, her reaction will be the same. So why not ease your conscience and tell her now? The sooner you tell her the sooner you can move on with your lives!” I feel like screaming at the DIVAS!
By the way, the girl that came to my house for advice? She told her mom. Her mom kicked out of the house so she moved in with her older sister. They didn’t talk for months and when they finally did start talking, things were tense.
But now? A few years later? They are as close as ever!