One two three
The shirt should actually read, “My daddy went to New York for the ever-so-infamous (read=BORING) ceremonial walk Howard Stern took from his old radio station gig to his new digs at Sirius sattelite And all he brought back was this lousy shirt.
The teeth were a prize at a local pizza joint.
A few years ago my daughter brought a friend home and said, “Mom, she needs your advice. She’s scared and doesn’t know what to do and she wants to run away from home.”
*Sitting in a coffee shop indulging in chocolate and fun conversation a year ago with a couple of my friends:
Friend #1: “I met this guy at the DMV and he asked me for my phone number. I said no, of course. He was way too young. But then as I was walking out he asked me for a favor. He asked if I could please call his phone because he couldn’t find it. So I called it so he could hear it ring, and then he could find it easier.
He thanked me, then I left.
When I got into my car, GUESS WHAT YOU GUYS? (right about here her voice gets really high pitched as it always does when she’s sharing something really incredibly hard-to-believe-amazing)
My phone rings and it’s the guy from the DMV! He got my number off of his caller I.D. Is that SMART OF HIM OR WHAT?”
Friend #2 and I looked at each other and laughed.
Then laughed some more.
Friend #1: “What’s so funny?”
A few years ago I came accross this book called Three Days In New York City by Robin Slick. I read a review in a blog I frequented regularly and it sounded interesting so I thought I’d give it a try. You see the blogger talked about how funny and quick witted the book was.
Oh sure! Don’t get me wrong! It mentioned other stuff but what drew me in was the fact that the reviewer/blogger mentioned how he hadn’t laughed so hard yadda yadda… how funny it was, etc etc.
That is what drew me to it. Not the “other stuff.” The funny stuff.
The day my book order came in was a day that my boys had baseball practice.
“Yay,” I thought! “Now I have reading material for the two hours that we are gonna be stuck at practice.”
So there I go! I got to practice and took my book out and started reading.
Page one umm… hu?
Page two: WHOA… whatta?
I was only able to read about a page and half. OK OK so maybe it was three. It was then that I realized I had to stop reading it.
Don’t get me wrong. It turned out to be a very funny book but…
you’re gonna think I’m a dumb ass..
and I should have known better..
Don’t judge me! I’d never read this “type” of book.
I mean, I could sort of imagine… but I guess I really didn’t know…
It’s labeled EROTICA.
And yes, while I know what the word means, I guess I didn’t really “KNOW” what the word meant?
Yes, I can be slow like that. I’d never read erotica before and didn’t really know what to expect. Well, ok maybe I just figured it would have a passionate kiss here and there and maybe a description of a nipple being perky or a private part tingling with anticipation. But I wasn’t exactly figuring it was gonna be how it was.
The book starts off with phone sex while she’s on public transportation on her way to meet her lover at a hotel in New York City while wearing a short skirt with no panties, per HIS request. And by phone sex, I mean VERY EXPLICIT phone sex.
Ummm yeah. Definitely feeling “funny” but not funny-ha-ha. Feeling a little bit more like “funny, I never expected THIS!”
So anyways, after reading a little bit my face started to feel a little flushed. I looked up and felt like all the other baseball moms were staring at me. With INDIGNATION!
Oh my GOD! Did they KNOW?
Can they read my thoughts as I’m reading?
Can they tell that my heart is racing?
Can they feel my sweaty palms?
Did I accidentally mouth the words as I was reading?
Or worse…. did they have Three Days In New York City at home?
Did they recognize the cover?
Are they judging me thinking, “BAD MOM, reading that smut while at at her kids baseball practice? I mean, what kind of mother does that?”
The crack-ho/nynpho kind, that’s what.
— So I very discreetly put the book back IN my purse, looked around to see if anybody had been able to read my thoughts.
*If I was Catholic I would have quickly recited ten hail Mary’s(is that what they call it?)
I can’t even remember what those prayers are called. Not that it matters since I’m not Catholic, so even if I did know what it was called and how to recite them, the Catholic God would look down at me from heaven and say, “Nice try, Twinkie, but you’re not fooling anyone!”
That evening I went home, made dinner and did all that other motherly/wifely stuff, then once everyone was in bed, I finished the book. Devoured it, really.
I was like a perv in a brothel.
Don’t judge me! To my defense, like I said, not only is it “EROTICA” but it’s really funny too.
The book follows a sexual escapade between a married almost 40 year old American woman going through a sort of mid-life crisis empty nest syndrome. She’s bored with her corporate job. Regrets not following her dreams as an artist and decides to take a cyber-office romance with an overconfident, freaky Brit to the next level.
What ends up happening between this unfullfilled but very vanilla American will make you laugh out loud till your stomach hurts.
It was a short and very easy read.
Since then? Erotica became my very own guilty pleasure.
Don’t worry though. I’ve learned my lesson. From now on, if the cover has certain key words like sex, erotic, for dirty crack ho nympho’s only, etc on it, I will NOT take it to my kids practice. In fact? I will ONLY read it in the privacy of my bedroom. With the door shut.
I think I’m gonna join the bandwagon and have themed blog days. I’ll start off with today and declare it Funny Friday. I’ll leave a funny annecdote, a joke, or a funny picture. This way you know what to expect every Friday. I haven’t figured out the rest of the days yet so for now with no further ado….
Funny pictures and/or tidbits of my kids. I think this will show a little insight into the Twinkie family.
The first picture is Big Mickey. He is my ham and a half. Always crackin’ jokes. ALWAYS! AND he doesn’t know how to just take a “serious picture.” Oh he’ll pretend. He’ll smile for the camera then at the last minute…..
At the time of this picture he was obsessed with that milkshake song. You remember, right?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. ..
When he would ask why it wasn’t ok to sing that song or pose like that for EVERY SINGLE PICTURE I would tell him, “BECAUSE I’M THE MOMMY THAT’S WHY!”
My Princess Twinkie was in Color Guard and flag and cheer for most of her adolecense. She eventually became a volunteer Cheer and Flag Coach for different city programs. She’s my buddy. I don’t know if it’s because she’s the only girl or if it is because we are so similar and I can relate to a lot of what she’s going through as a teen.
I don’t judge her.
I don’t put her ideas down.
I just listen and give her advice.
That’s not to say that I’m too busy playing “friend” that I don’t know how to be a mom. Ask her. She’ll tell yah! I’m scary tough. But I have a feeling she respects that about me even now. It took me years after I left the house to feel that way about my own mom. This is a testament to how smart The Princess is.
When she was 13 she begged and begged for me to allow her to get a belly button piercing. I refused. Later it became an obsession for a nose piercing. I refused. When she asked why both times I told her, “If you want a piercing like that now and I oblige, what are you gonna ask for next? A tattoo? So the answer is NO! When you turn 18 you will have control of your own body but for now it belongs to me and I’m NOT gonna have my daughter all marked up with piercings. NOT GONNA HAPPEN WHILE YOU ARE A MINOR IN MY HOUSE!”
OK So anyways… there’s a little insight into the Twinkie clan.
If you haven’t gathered from my personality here, I’m a very goofy, dorky person and I guess that’s rubbed off on my own kids. We have a lot of fun and have a pretty good relationship with each other. We support each other and encourage each other.
When the boys were little I drug them to every one of the teens practices and games and now that the teens are done with school sporting events, they make themselves available to be there for the boys events. That’s always been very important to us. No matter how busy you get in your everyday life, you ALWAYS make it a point to be there for family. ALWAYS!
That being said? Love your children. Hug your children. Be tough with your children. But never EVER ever give up on them when they are being difficult. Never put them down for their ideas. Instead? Guide them through their decisions.
If you still feel they are heading down the wrong path and they are still under 18 and living under your roof?
I say you stand your ground and explain to them what our parents explained to us. “NOT WHILE YOU’RE LIVING UNDER MY ROOF!”
“I don’t know what to do with my hands! ” said Big Mickey, as I told him to smile for me so I could take a picture during a family trip to San Francisco a few years ago.
You’ve all seen it, right? “Talladega Nights, the Ballad of Ricky Bobby” starring Will Ferrel?
And while I KNOW it’s probably a teeny tiny bit too inappropriate for a 7 year old, he still ended up watching it.
How did I know he’d watched it? Well, the first time he came up to me and said, “I’ll come at you like a spider monkey” was a big clue. But then when I heard him say over dinner, “I’m still sittin’ in my pee pants right now,” I KNEW he’d watched the movie.
He’s been quoting stuff out of the movie ever since, as kids usually do. And it cracks me up every time.
So anyways…. watch the very VERY VERY short video. And enjoy Big Mickey’s impersonation of Ricky Bobby during his first interview ever. *you might have to turn the volume up because his voice is pretty low.
The woman laughing after is me. Yeah, I know.. I KNOW… goofy laugh. Did you expect anything different from me, though?