Tag Archives: funny haha

An Actual Conversation

ME: “Ok dude! So I know you will totally appreciate this because you know me very well and so you know that underneath all this sophistication *cough*Cough* lies a Myfa ghettofied girl, right? So shitty day… Yaddah yaddah yaddah… No beer in the fridge! No vodka and crystal light in sight. So!? Tonight? Tequila and koolaid!”

Cherry Kool-Aid is the bestest!

Cherry Kool-Aid is the bestest!

Cuz: “Hoooolly. Helll. U r straight ghetto tonight dude. Hilarious. I am not sure that’s gonna taste good.”

ME: “The Koolaid is yummy… Tequila is just a light aftertaste.”

Cuz: “Your creativity never ceases to AMAZE me :)”

ME: I’m from the hood … That’s how we roll! LOL… I can make you a bomb ass dinner too! From raccoon ass, one tomato and a pepper! Hahahaha!
You can even substitute raccoon with rat.. But only if necessary!”

ewww.... i was just kidding, google images dot com. YUCK

ewww.... i was just kidding, google images dot com. YUCK

Cuz: “You are like a McGyver in the kitchen!”

macgyver

ME: “Haasaaaaaaa! Yup. Gimme a paperclip, a piece of bologna. And a piece of gum! I will make you an exploding device… AND dinner! Hahaha”

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The Logic Of A Nine Year Old

Over dinner:

Big Mickey: “Mom? I been thinking a lot about this. And I think you really should take the t.v. out of our room.”

(insert very surprised look here… ) ever since they were wittle itty bitty babies they’ve ALWAYS had a TV in their room. In fact, they wouldn’t go to sleep without it at least on with no volume in the background.

Sort of a makeshift nightlight, if you will.

Oh sure, I’d get up and turn it off in the middle of the night but then ONE of them would wake up and turn it back on. ONE of them was scared of the dark. This ONE is now telling me he wants the TV out of his room. This is a very interesting turn of events. Could it be that he’s finally outgrown his fear? Could it be that my baby is growing up? Coudl it be that he’s maturing and no longer scared of silly things like the boogyman?

ME: “Why?”(insert a very interested-in-your-conversation look here)

Big Mickey: “Because Annequin always wants to put it on HIS shows. And I would rather just have it OFF than to watch his shows. So I’ve thought about it a lot and decided the best compromise is to take it out of the room.”

ME:* No longer impressed and now somewhat cynical. “Uh, so in other words. Take the TV out. You win?”

Big Mickey: “EXACTLY!”

I think further discussion needs to go into this decision

I think further discussion needs to go into this decision

(not so) Funny Friday

I got virutally zero sleep last night. Well, actually the past few weeks probably. I just can’t sleep. Don’t ask why. It’s a bunch of different reasons, really. Part of it is that my body hurts so bad right now that it feels like I just got in a fight with Chuck Norris and lost. Yeah, yeah, I know. What did I expect? He’s a bad mothafacka….

 

 twinkie-meets-chuck

  Anyways… everything has taken it’s toll and I’m totally on “grumpy bitch mode!”

 HOWEVER.. since I promised you a funny Friday I”ve been  trying to think of something funny to say or a funny picture to post but my mind is blank. It’s like jello actually… But as I was searching my photo archive I came accross two not-so-funny pictures but they represent the two things that will probably make my day a little brighter. So here they are:

1. CARBS….

burger

 

2. and BEER…… (liquid carbs)

this was our makeshift ice chest last winter during a girls weekend at the cabin

this was our makeshift ice chest last winter during a girls weekend at the cabin

 

Can somebody help a sistah out?

Funny Friday!

For those of you who’s family and friends know about your blogging habits, do you feel like you’re treated different because of it? I do. I think I’ve talked about this before a year or two ago but it still makes me laugh.

For example, I’ll be having brunch with my buds Dee and Goocher and something freaken HILARIOUS will happen where champagne milk is running out our noses and one of them will say, “You’re gonna blog about this aren’t you?”

Or one of them will “burn” me (diss me? hmm… what is the hip word these days?) Anyways… and the other will say, “OOOOOH, Norms, you need to blog about this and put her on blast”

To which of course first I’ll reply, “REALLY? We’re not to old to say ‘put her on blast’ and are people even really still saying that?”

But of course that’s besides the point.

Then I kindly remind them that I NEVER blog about negative stuff.

Say, for example that I ask Mr. Twinkie if he thinks I’ve lost weight. And what if he says, “Oh yeah, babe. You’ve lost a lot of weight. I mean for a while there your tummy was HUGE! It was bigger than your boobs!”

And what if I glared at him and said, “WOW! Did you really just say that?”

To which of course (hypothetically speaking of course because if this actually happened I would NOT blog about it) he would quickly try to dig his way out by saying, “JUST KIDDING BABE!! You know I’m playing.”

To which I would answer, “I know you are honey,” then I’d quickly add exlax to his dinner while he wasn’t looking.

Well, if all of that happened I would NOT blog about it because:

1. it would probably paint Mr. Twinkie as an insensitive bastard which he is sooo totally not but nobody would know this if they didn’t know him in real life.

2. it would probably also paint me in a negative light because HELLO STUPID???? Don’t ask if you don’t want to know. I mean, duh! You never ask, “do I look fat in these pants” then get mad because you got an honest answer, right?

Anyways, my point is I’m not a very “open” blogger in the sense that if I get in an arguement with somebody or if something bothers me I’m not gonna “put it on blast” all over the world wide web.

I think some things should stay private.

Of course this might also have something to do with the fact that my family and friends read this blog and I would never write something that I might regret later. Yah know?

BUT having said that… (and back to my original point) my life is a blog.

As in.. something will happen and I will automatically think of ways I could write about it where it might be interesting to my readers. Maybe even funny. A lot of times I’ll realize that it’s one of those things where you just “had to be there” and it doesn’t really translate well into writing. So I move on to something else.

Other times? I find that I just don’t have anything interesting to say.

Which is when I realize that I’m living with my eyes shut. And I remind myself to open them and actually “experience” living. If not for peace of mind then at least for my blog. Because that’s what’s important, right? (insert sarcasm here) ..

blogging

Hmm…. I guess this blog entry turned out NOT being all that funny. HU? Oh well! I’ll try again next Friday!

Three Days In New York City (a book review, sorta)

A few years ago I came accross this book called Three Days In New York City by Robin Slick. I read a review in a blog I frequented regularly and it sounded interesting so I thought I’d give it a try. You see the blogger talked about how funny and quick witted the book was.

Oh sure! Don’t get me wrong! It mentioned other stuff but what drew me in was the fact that the reviewer/blogger mentioned how he hadn’t laughed so hard yadda yadda… how funny it was, etc etc.

That is what drew me to it. Not the “other stuff.”  The funny stuff.

 

threedaysnew

The day my book order came in was a day that my boys had baseball practice.

“Yay,” I thought! “Now I have reading material for the two hours that we are gonna be stuck at practice.”

So there I go! I got to practice and took my book out and started reading.

Page one umm… hu?

Page two: WHOA… whatta? 

I was only able to read about a page and half. OK OK so maybe it was three. It was then that I realized I had to stop reading it.

IMMEDIATELY!

I was shocked at the content.

I was shocked at the content.

Don’t get me wrong. It turned out to be a very funny book but…

well….

you’re gonna think I’m a dumb ass..

and I should have known better.. 

Don’t judge me! I’d never read this “type” of book.

I mean, I could sort of imagine… but I guess I  really didn’t know…

It’s labeled EROTICA.

And yes, while I know what the word means, I guess I didn’t really “KNOW” what the word meant?

Yes, I can be slow like that. I’d never read erotica before and didn’t really know what to expect. Well, ok maybe I just figured it would have a passionate kiss here and there and maybe a description of a nipple being perky or a private part tingling with anticipation. But I wasn’t exactly figuring it was gonna be how it was.

The book starts off with phone sex while she’s on public transportation on her way to meet her lover at a hotel in New York City while wearing a short skirt with no panties, per HIS request. And by phone sex, I mean VERY EXPLICIT phone sex.

Ummm yeah. Definitely feeling “funny” but not funny-ha-ha. Feeling a little bit more like “funny, I never expected THIS!”

So anyways, after reading a little bit my face started to feel a little flushed. I looked up and felt like all the other baseball moms were staring at me. With INDIGNATION!

Embarrassed_face

Oh my GOD! Did they KNOW?

Can they read my thoughts as I’m reading?

Can they tell that my heart is racing?

 Can they feel my sweaty palms?

Did I accidentally mouth the words as I was reading?

Or worse…. did they have Three Days In New York City at home?

Did they recognize the cover?

Are they judging me thinking,  “BAD MOM, reading that smut while at at her kids baseball practice? I mean, what kind of mother does that?”

The crack-ho/nynpho kind, that’s what.

— So I very discreetly put the book back IN my purse, looked around to see if anybody had been able to read my thoughts.

*If I was Catholic I would have quickly recited ten hail Mary’s(is that what they call it?)

DAMN.

I can’t even remember what those prayers are called. Not that it matters since I’m not Catholic, so even if I did know what it was called and how to recite them, the Catholic God would look down at me from heaven and say, “Nice try, Twinkie, but you’re not fooling anyone!”

Bad Twinkie! Erotica is the devil~

Bad Twinkie! Erotica is the devil~

That evening I went home, made dinner and did all that other motherly/wifely stuff, then once everyone was in bed, I finished the book. Devoured it, really.

I was like a perv in a brothel. 

intrigued

Don’t judge me! To my defense, like I said, not only is it “EROTICA” but it’s really funny too.

The book follows a sexual escapade between a married almost 40 year old American woman going through a sort of mid-life crisis empty nest syndrome. She’s bored with her corporate job. Regrets not following her dreams as an artist and decides to take a cyber-office romance with an overconfident, freaky Brit to the next level.

What ends up happening between this unfullfilled but very vanilla American will make you laugh out loud till your stomach hurts.

It was a short and very easy read.

Since then? Erotica became my very own guilty pleasure.

Don’t worry though. I’ve learned my lesson. From now on, if the cover has certain key words like sex, erotic, for dirty  crack ho nympho’s only, etc on it, I will NOT take it to my kids practice. In fact? I will ONLY read it in the privacy of my bedroom. With the door shut.

I don’t know what to do with my hands..

“I don’t know what to do with my hands! ” said Big Mickey, as I told him to smile for me so I could take a picture during a family trip to San Francisco a few years ago.

You’ve all seen it, right? “Talladega Nights, the Ballad of Ricky Bobby” starring Will Ferrel?

And while I KNOW it’s probably a teeny tiny bit too inappropriate for a 7 year old, he still ended up watching it.

SEVERAL TIMES.

How did I know he’d watched it? Well, the first time he came up to me and said, “I’ll come at you like a spider monkey” was a big clue. But then when I heard him say over dinner, “I’m still sittin’ in my pee pants right now,” I KNEW he’d watched the movie.

He’s been quoting stuff out of the movie ever since, as kids usually do. And it cracks me up every time.

So anyways…. watch the very VERY VERY short video. And enjoy Big Mickey’s impersonation of Ricky Bobby during his first interview ever. *you might have to turn the volume up because his voice is pretty low.

 The woman laughing after is me. Yeah, I know.. I KNOW… goofy laugh. Did you expect anything different from me, though?

Facebook Mobile Saved My Life

Me on Tuesday: Boss, There’s something wrong with my computer. It’s locked me out. Keeps saying it doesn’t recognize my license or something.

Boss (aka THE MAN): Did you call our IT guy?

Me: Yes. He said he will pick it up tomorrow, but he couldn’t fix it till Thursday afternoon or Friday.

Boss: (mockingly alarmed) Oh NO! What are you gonna do till then? Now you won’t be able toFacebook all day! How will you survive? (insert fake shocked gasp here)

Me: (smiles BIG) Oh, don’t worry about me. I have Facebook Mobile on my iPhone.

In case you're wondering what I commented SSP the comment was: "hahahah Yeah! No running for me. You're my hero!"

In case you're wondering what I commented SSP the comment was: "hahahah Yeah! No running for me. You're my hero!"

And THAT? My friends… is how I survived two days without a computer at work. *Le sigh of relief. And now? I’m BACK!