Tag Archives: funny

Funny Friday!

For those of you who’s family and friends know about your blogging habits, do you feel like you’re treated different because of it? I do. I think I’ve talked about this before a year or two ago but it still makes me laugh.

For example, I’ll be having brunch with my buds Dee and Goocher and something freaken HILARIOUS will happen where champagne milk is running out our noses and one of them will say, “You’re gonna blog about this aren’t you?”

Or one of them will “burn” me (diss me? hmm… what is the hip word these days?) Anyways… and the other will say, “OOOOOH, Norms, you need to blog about this and put her on blast”

To which of course first I’ll reply, “REALLY? We’re not to old to say ‘put her on blast’ and are people even really still saying that?”

But of course that’s besides the point.

Then I kindly remind them that I NEVER blog about negative stuff.

Say, for example that I ask Mr. Twinkie if he thinks I’ve lost weight. And what if he says, “Oh yeah, babe. You’ve lost a lot of weight. I mean for a while there your tummy was HUGE! It was bigger than your boobs!”

And what if I glared at him and said, “WOW! Did you really just say that?”

To which of course (hypothetically speaking of course because if this actually happened I would NOT blog about it) he would quickly try to dig his way out by saying, “JUST KIDDING BABE!! You know I’m playing.”

To which I would answer, “I know you are honey,” then I’d quickly add exlax to his dinner while he wasn’t looking.

Well, if all of that happened I would NOT blog about it because:

1. it would probably paint Mr. Twinkie as an insensitive bastard which he is sooo totally not but nobody would know this if they didn’t know him in real life.

2. it would probably also paint me in a negative light because HELLO STUPID???? Don’t ask if you don’t want to know. I mean, duh! You never ask, “do I look fat in these pants” then get mad because you got an honest answer, right?

Anyways, my point is I’m not a very “open” blogger in the sense that if I get in an arguement with somebody or if something bothers me I’m not gonna “put it on blast” all over the world wide web.

I think some things should stay private.

Of course this might also have something to do with the fact that my family and friends read this blog and I would never write something that I might regret later. Yah know?

BUT having said that… (and back to my original point) my life is a blog.

As in.. something will happen and I will automatically think of ways I could write about it where it might be interesting to my readers. Maybe even funny. A lot of times I’ll realize that it’s one of those things where you just “had to be there” and it doesn’t really translate well into writing. So I move on to something else.

Other times? I find that I just don’t have anything interesting to say.

Which is when I realize that I’m living with my eyes shut. And I remind myself to open them and actually “experience” living. If not for peace of mind then at least for my blog. Because that’s what’s important, right? (insert sarcasm here) ..

blogging

Hmm…. I guess this blog entry turned out NOT being all that funny. HU? Oh well! I’ll try again next Friday!

I Can’t Make This Shit Up!

*Sitting in a coffee shop indulging in chocolate and fun conversation a year ago with a couple of my friends:

Friend #1: “I met this guy at the DMV and he asked me for my phone number. I said no, of course. He was way too young. But then as I was walking out he asked me for a favor. He asked if I could please call his phone because he couldn’t find it. So I called it so he could hear it ring, and then he could find it easier.

He thanked me, then I left.

When I got into my car, GUESS WHAT YOU GUYS? (right about here her voice gets really high pitched as it always does when she’s sharing something really incredibly hard-to-believe-amazing)

My phone rings and it’s the guy from the DMV! He got my number off of his caller I.D. Is that SMART OF HIM OR WHAT?”

Friend #2 and I looked at each other and laughed.

And laughed.

Then laughed some more.

Friend #1: “What’s so funny?”

Operation Donut: Day Two

Operation Donut: Day Two

 
Well, needless to say, day one was a total disaster. After averting the Starbucks, the Café con Leche AND the cookies, my stomach BEGGED for the Sabritones. I was stern at first and said NO, NO, NO!! But finally after much begging and pleading I finally gave in.
 
 
 

sabrositos

I told myself it’s my own fault for even having it in the drawer to begin with and from now on I just need to bring healthy snacks to munch on next time I get the urge to munch.
 
Then I found six packets of saltines and ate them too, thinking that well, in the way of snacking, this is probably not that bad all the while conveniently forgetting that I’d already snacked.
 
On Sabritones.
 
I ate half the bag.
 
In the meantime, today, day two of Operation Donut I’m sitting here thinking how many times I gave in yesterday and how that needs to STOP. As in NOW! And I really need to refocus on my weight goals.
 
But still. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, right? 
 
I just happen to have some Little Debbie’s Strawberry Shortcake Rolls in my “emergency drawer” I have to finish so I that I have nothing left in my desk to sabotage my Operation Donut so if you’ll excuse me? I gotta go.
 
 
shortcake 
Now, you’re probably asking, “Why can’t you just THROW away the box of Little Debbies so you can get temptation out of the way instead of eating it?”
 
To which my reply is, “Don’t judge me. I’m NOT addicted.  I can quit anytime I want! Besides…. hellloooooo it’s a teeny tiny Little Debbie’s Strawberry Shortcake Rolls. It’s harmless!”

little-debbie

There’s a Monster In The Room. Can I have a glass of water?

I’m horrified of the paranormal. Anything that jumps or creeks or has died and come back? Yup.. I want nothing to do with it

 Some people love it. Some people even WISH they had ghosts in their home. Not me! I’m a real wuss when it comes to anything like that. I can’t watch any movies that have ghosts or demons in them. I have nightmares.

 In fact, when I first started reading Lords Part One, by N.L. Belardes, I had nightmares for days. I had to put the book down for a few days. I read a good chic lit, Morning Coffee, by Elizabeth Alan then picked Lords back up later. I’m glad I did! It was a great book.

When we first moved into our brand new, built-just-for-us-nobody-has-lived-in-or-died-in home the creaks and rattles of the house “settling” would freak me out. I thought for sure the house was haunted.

I became really paranoid.

I tried to convince myself it was all in my head.

Then things started happening.

Our linen closet is located in the downstairs bathroom. I know, I know.. dumb place to put a linen closet. But whatever. Well, the door kept opening by itself. At first I didn’t think anything of it but then after a while it was just plain creepy.

I would go in to use the restroom. The door would be open. I would shut it. A few minutes later it would be open again.

This happened for a few weeks and then I started to become paranoid. I started seeing shadows. I could feel a presence over me and it would wrap itself up around me until I couldn’t breathe.

Once in a while I heard a whisper tickle my ear.

Then I started having nightmares. I finally decided to ask everyone if they noticed it too. Nobody had any ghost encounters, and nobody had noticed the open door. I was really scared then!

A few hours later, my youngest son finally confessed! He’d been opening it because he was afraid of what was in there.

Me: “You DO know there are no such thing as ghosts or monsters, right?”

Him: unconvinced “ummmm? Yeaaaaah!”

Me: “Don’t you think if there WAS a ghost or monster in there you might want to keep the door CLOSED so it doesn’t escape?”

Him: “I don’t know, I guess. But it’s just creepy. And when it’s closed and I’m afraid.”

Me: “Well stop opening it because it’s messy in there and when the door is open people can see the mess.”

Him: “ok”

A few minutes later I walk by the bathroom and the linen closet door is open again. We’ve been in our home for 5 years now, and to this day, that damned door is still open. I still walk by and shut it. Minutes later he still walks by and opens it. I don’t fight it anymore. If he feels safer from ghosts or monsters by having that door open, then so be it!

**I’m happy to report no ghosts have escaped from it so far.

The Pizza Nazi (A Marketplace Series, part 1)

*the following blog entry was written 2 years ago and posted on Kick Off Your Shoes And Stay A While. If you’d like to read the comments attached to that, CLICK HERE.

Last Saturday was an interesting day for me. It started out great. But everything else after that was something out of the Twilight Zone. My sister and I had decided we were going to take our kids out to lunch at The Marketplace. We’d let them play by the fountain for a little while. Then we’d head to the Color Me Mine place and let them pick out a piece to color. Then we’d go to Russo’s and let them pick out a book. Sounds like a great day, right?

Of course we get to the pizza by the slice place, and the pizza looks awful. They only have pepperoni/olive, and pepperoni. My 7 yr old likes cheese. My 6 yr old likes pepperoni/mushroom. I asked the lady at the counter, “Do you have cheese?” She looks at me like I’m a dumb ass and says, “We don’t have any made and I don’t know how long it will take to make it.” Then gives me a cold hearted stare that tells me she is NOT willing to make any either and if I have a problem with it she’ll kick my ass and throw me out.

I turned for a second to ask my son if pepperoni would be okay, when I turned back around she was already helping the next customer, when she was done with him she asked the customer behind me to move up ahead. “That did NOT just happen,” I thought to myself. “No way did she just let two customers in front of me, did she?”

It was finally my turn again.

“Well then let me have a pepperoni/olive and a pepperoni slice and two small drinks.”

I get the good ol, “What are you, a freaken moron glare” and she says, “We only have one size” as she sticks two cups in front of me.

I started laughing. I mean, no way that just happened right? Ashton Kutcher… WHERE ARE YOU? Am I being PUNKED? Where are the cameras? Seriously… there is NO WAY the service can be THAT BAD right? Then again, I am really hungry and grumpy myself. So maybe I’m imagining all of this. My sister glares at me like I’m an idiot for laughing after what just happened. Or maybe I was embarrassing her, I don’t know.

I say, “What? It’s funny!”

She is up now. I move out of her way and she orders lasagna. She gets the same mean glare as the cashier says, “We’re out”

“What about raviolis, are you out of that?”

“Uggh, let me check.” She returns, “Yes, we’re out of that too.”

Frustrated, my sister says, “Just give me a Caesar salad.”

I laugh some more, this time hysterically. I mean I honestly feel like I’m in an episode of Seinfeld, and she’s the Pizza Nazi or something. To me, there is the typical bad service, then there is this… extremely hysterically-rude service. It’s amazing.

I can just picture it now, “NO PIZZA FOR YOU,” she would say, because I dared to ask about cheese pizza.No pizza for you!

My sister says, “She’s probably just upset because she hates to work weekends and she’s stuck here while we’re not.”

Oh well, we ate and moved on. I wasn’t going to let this woman ruin our day out with the kids. We go to the fountain and take some pictures of the kids. Then when they start to get carried away and almost fall in the fountain a few times, we say, “OK that’s enough, let’s go to the Color Me Mine place now.”

Part Two Of The Marketplace Series Coming Tomorrow!

Bite Me!

I have this little teeny tiny mole on my chin(right under my lips) that hair grows out of so I have to constantly pluck the frucker.

Usually, as soon as I see the growth I pluck it so nobody really knows it’s there. Other times, I forget and it grows so fast I can’t keep up.

Well a looooooooooooong time ago I was dating this guy and we were making out.. or starting to, anyways.

He freaken BITES the hair off.

I said, “OUCH! WHAT THE FUCK?”

He starts laughing and says, “Sorry it was bugging me.”

I was sooooo embarrassed. Oh well. Actually I don’t know if I was more embarrassed than I was annoyed at him. It HURT dammit! Especially since I wasn’t expecting it.

Does anybody else have any embarrassing date stories they’d like to share?

twinkie

HELP!

I glanced at the my tool bar to the far left was button labeled HELP. If I clicked on it, would it really help? Can anyone really help me now? I decided it was worth a shot. 

I clicked on it. I brought down a window that was labeled help topics. I scrolled down the list…. hmmm… no nothing about life trauma, tribulations, depression, anxiety. 

What about my trusty old paper clip, he always seems willing to help. I brought him out from hiding. I had previously put him away after he bugged the hell out of me when he wouldn’t stop asking me if I needed help writing a letter.  He seems happy to be out of hiding. He doesn’t seem to hold any grudges against me, good old trusty paper clip. 

“Mr. Paper clip,” I typed, “financial troubles.” He came back with “Trouble finding files?”

NO! I retype, “help with money”

He responded, “Help with recording billing information for a task?”

“Hmm,” I thought, “getting closer, one more time. How can I make more money?”

He responded, “Change the width of a contact card?”

Let’s face it, my paper clip though eager to help, is a moron.  I right clicked on him and hid him.  Although, I must say, having someone sit around awaiting your command is kind of exhilarating,  I brought him back out, paper clip, what should I have for lunch?…

sent to me by email by my sister, The Raven and posted on Kick Off Your Shoes And Stay a While December 2006

 

 

 

 

 

paperclip