Tag Archives: sabotaging your diet

Celebration Time: Come On!

There’s something to be said about goals. I don’t ever really make any and the ones I do make I more than likely am NOT gonna reach or follow up on. That’s just the way I am. In fact, I find that I end up sabotaging myself by making goals. For example when I set a goal of losing weight? I end up eating 20 pounds of Twinkies and Zingers instead. 

So it was no surprise when this year’s (insert the name of the small mountain town near where I live here) 5K Run came and I hadn’t prepared for it. See my friend Dee and Goocher and I usually run this 5K 

It’s about a four year tradition.

 OK hang on. 

I guess I should correct myself. 

It’s tradition to PLAN to run it every year. It’s tradition to PLAN on training for it every year. It’s tradition to SWEAR that nothing is gonna keep us from WINNING it next year. 

It’s a tradition to promise each other to run at least three times a week together alternating by me going to Dee’s town and running there, then going to Goocher’s town and running there, then they coming to MY town and running here. 

However.. sometimes I can’t make it because my boys have a morning football game. Or Goocher can’t make it because of whatever reason she has at the time. In fact, Dee usually is the one that’s pretty consistent about it. 

So anyways, come another year. The phone calls start. 

“Have you registered for the 5K yet?” 

“DAMN! Is it that time already? I haven’t really trained for it or exercised at all. I’m gonna DIE!” 

Well in the end Goocher couldn’t make it this year. But Dee and I registered. 


Dee and her hot bod! I guess I could have this body too if I ran 5 miles a day like her!

Dee and her hot bod! I guess I could have this body too if I ran 5 miles a day like her!

There's a hot body hiding underneath all that. I just KNOW IT!

There's a hot body hiding underneath all that. I just KNOW IT!

And I talked my Lil Sis into registering too. 

My lil sis holding up an energy drink that was in our goody bag. It was apple flavored and it was YUMMY

My lil sis holding up an energy drink that was in our goody bag. It was apple flavored and it was YUMMY

Then she also signed my little nephew up.


My nephew. I just wuvz him.

My nephew. I just wuvz him.

Lil SIS: “I’m bringing a bottle of Cuvee to celebrate afterwards if we both survive!” 

ME: “Hell yah! I’m up for the champagne cause! Bring it!” 

The race usually goes a little something like this for me: 

The organizer of the race says, “Alright everybody! Just a few warnings. You will be running on rough terrain so watch out for potholes, cow pies, rocks, and rattle snakes. OK? On your marks, get set… GO” 

And ummm yeah, he’s not kidding. 

Start off strong… feel good.. hey I think I can do this! I’m gonna be just fine! 

After the ¼ mile marker… oh shit.. is that a.. .a HILL? Is that a hill? Holy shit. YUP that’s a hill. I forgot about the hills. …. Oh gawd Lord help me.

*trip over a rock… but I don’t fall. Recover… keep running. 

A few more hills later .. dear gawd….. when is the mile marker coming up! I’m gonna DIE. Looks down (we’re on rough terrain, hills, over looking a creek) 


Holy shit.. I’m gonna pass out and roll down this damned hill. 

Will anybody see me? 

 Will anybody realize that I just DIED and didn’t finish the race? I can picture my body rolling and tumbling and hitting the rocks all the way down.

I attempt to take a deep breath to snap out of it.

OUCH. Bad idea.

Deep breaths hurt very badly at this point. 

I’m too busy concentrating on breathing and well… staying ALIVE that I hardly noticed the few cow pies I ran over. Thank goodness they are dry already so nothing gets stuck to my shoes. 

An older gentleman passes me up. I hate him. 

I speed up to catch up to him. Then I start walking. He walks too. 

Then he speeds up again. Show  off!  

I let him have his glory. Not because I am out of breath, cramping and about to pass out or anything. I just figure I’ll be nice and let him think he’s actually beating out a very healthy and fit 37 year old woman. It’s good for his ego. I can sense he needs an ego boost and I’m happy to oblige. 

Still jogging but at a very slow pace. Start admiring the scenery. Trees everywhere…I hear the water from the creek that runs right below the hill I’m running. 

Uh.. wait.. is that BEAR POOP? WTF??? 

Pick up my pace but still can’t catch up to the old man. Oh well. 

Finally get to the marker that says we’re halfway done. The rest of the course is downhill so it makes it easier because you don’t really put any effort towards running. You just move your legs and swing your arms and pray to God you don’t roll down the hill. 

I only stop to walk a few times. 

When I get to the ¼ mark I look and see the old man in front of me. A little girl is in front of him. 

Oh WHATTAAAA???  I’m not gonna get beat by an old man and a little girl. HELL-TO-THE-NO! 

I speed up and sprint as fast as I can. Panting… lungs a-blazing like a ten alarm fire, knees a-jiggling like jello, feet a-thumping like BOSE speakers on the pavement. 

I pass the old man. The little girl stops, looks back for gramma and granpa. I utter in between breaths, “Go girl, go! Don’t worry about them right now. They are just fine. You’re almost there! Sprint as fast as you can to the finish line and get your time in. You can do it!” 

She speeds up and BEATS me. Ungrateful back stabbing brat! 

I come in right after her and look out for my friends. We made it! We did it! We really did it! We ran and survived! 

Dee says, “You came in 9th in our age group.”

I laugh because I know there are only 10 racers in my category. I tell her in between breaths, “I’m gonna post that on Facebook. hahahahahaa. I just won’t tell them there were only ten people. hahah that’s funny shit!”

So as soon as I can breath without medical assistance I post:

“I got 9th place, bitches!”


D: Out of ten?

ME: (joking) Yes! I beat out the 80 yr old with emphysema.

Mrs. Ess:  
Norma, our whole family is here at soccer laughing at this post, too funny.
ME: Mrs. Ess I wasn’t kidding! It was my only goal this year! He beat me last year and I wanted to show him who was boss this time around!
G.I. Joe: Norma I heard the only reason the 80yr old lost was because his feet got tangled up in his oxygen tubing, and he took a nasty spill just shy of the finish line. But hey you’re right a win is a win.
ME: Don’t take my glory, Joe!! It takes talent to trip an old person, make it look like an accident and keep on running!
D: Was this the pogo stick division?
hahahahaah I LOVE my friends. They crack me up!
But back to me: I came in 32nd over all out of 39, I think?  9th place in my age group (out of 10) my time was 38:26:21

And while I realize that’s nothing to brag about? I am posting my results for two reasons.

1. This year my goal was just to survive this thing. But my goal for next year is to actually RUN the whole race therefore maybe even beating  my time.

 WHAT?? NO I’m serious. Don’t look at me like that! I really AM this year. I swear! *cough *cough*

2. but for now I’m just proud of myself that I didn’t chicken out and hide in the restroom like I seriously considered doing right before the race when I started hyperventilating and panicking that I would not be able to finish it and I’d have to be carried down by the fire department that is on stand by for morons like me that decide to run a race even though we haven’t done one ounce of exercise for over two years. 

Anyways, goals or no goals I can at least say I ran it this year. And maybe my sister and I have a new sisterly tradition. I should have invited her before! Because… I mean helloooo! The best part of this whole day? Celebrating with her over a few glasses… errr… ok ok bottles of champagne. (Why hadn’t I ever thought of that before?) 

Yummy Cuvee is my favorite but this bottle of Vueve Clicquot Brut was off the hizzy!

Yummy Cuvee is my favorite but this bottle of Vueve Clicquot Brut was off the hizzy!

OK ..so back to creating and achieving goals.

Start exercising. Stay fit. Operation Donut back into effect full force!

I want to be able to say that I beat my time from this year AND that I RAN THE WHOLE THING. And sure, I won’t get first place or anything but I will at least beat out my time! Also, hopefully I’ll lose a few more pounds.  

*Oh great… Goal setting is always a most definite way to sabotage myself. I can already feel it. 

Can somebody pass me a Twinkie please? Thanks!

click here to read my diet blogs:

Operation Donut Day One

Operation Donut Day Two

Operation Donut Day Three

Operation Donut Day Four

Baked Potato=OUT

Small Success


(not so) Funny Friday

I got virutally zero sleep last night. Well, actually the past few weeks probably. I just can’t sleep. Don’t ask why. It’s a bunch of different reasons, really. Part of it is that my body hurts so bad right now that it feels like I just got in a fight with Chuck Norris and lost. Yeah, yeah, I know. What did I expect? He’s a bad mothafacka….



  Anyways… everything has taken it’s toll and I’m totally on “grumpy bitch mode!”

 HOWEVER.. since I promised you a funny Friday I”ve been  trying to think of something funny to say or a funny picture to post but my mind is blank. It’s like jello actually… But as I was searching my photo archive I came accross two not-so-funny pictures but they represent the two things that will probably make my day a little brighter. So here they are:

1. CARBS….



2. and BEER…… (liquid carbs)

this was our makeshift ice chest last winter during a girls weekend at the cabin

this was our makeshift ice chest last winter during a girls weekend at the cabin


Can somebody help a sistah out?

I See Dancing Stars

So I guess Dancing With the Stars is back soon for a “new exciting” season. (insert sarcasm here.) I was watching E last week? Or was it Entertainment tonight? Who knows? 

I was watching one of those foo-foo shows and they’re trying to make it all exciting about who the new celebreties are and all I have to say about it is, “WHO CARES?”

The only reason last season was even halfway exciting is because Gillis Marini was on the show.


 And the only reason THAT was even exciting was because my cousin “K” had met Gilles at the zoo one year.


This year they have people like Donni Osmond and Melissa Joan Hart, etc. In other words, quasi celebreties which … ok yes.. that’s what they usually are. But this time there is no really HAWT quasi celebrity like Gilles. Unless you count Julianne Hough?

Anyways, enough about that. Let’s talk about ME.

So my “diet” is going well, I think? I forget to add my food intake into my LOSE IT App on my iPhone (PLUS MY iPhone broke two Fridays ago) so I won’t bore you with the details of what I ate and how much over my allowed calorie intake I’ve gone, but I will say that I think I’m a lot better about making good food choices since I started adding them.

It makes me more aware of why I’m overweight. For example, did you know that it’s 430 calories for each personal size Schwans frozen pizza?

I mean really? It’s a itty bitty TINY ASSED pizza!

I don’t have a scale so I can’t tell you if I’ve lost any weight. All I can say is that my size 8 pants fit a little loose now AND I recently bought a size 6. So there you go. It really makes me rethink sabotaging my diet now that I’ve seen some sort of result. I still have the pony keg belly but I figure excercise will get rid of some if WHEN I start to excercise.

I will continue with my diet and just see how it goes. The results won’t be instant because I’m not excercising but it’s kinda cool to know that the minute I DO start excercising it will be that much faster to lose my weight OR at least to keep it off.

NOW… for those of you wondering if I’m going to talk about my AWESOME, INCREDIBLY FUN impromptu trip to Vegas, let me just say this: GREEN DAY ROCKS.


The rest of the details? Well, as you all know.. what happens in Vegas….  

Small Success

Today’s entry will be short. For one. I’m tired. And two? I’m braindead. Because I’m TIRED!

I had almost NO sleep last night. I felt like I’d drank a pot of coffee right before bed or something? WIDE AWAKE.

The plus side to that is I got to see Charlene Yi’s “serenade” to her exboyfriend Micheal Cera which was HYSTERICALLY hilarious… I couldn’t stop laughing. I was afraid I was gonna wake my WHOLE family up.


She starts off by saying she wrote a love song for her exboyfriend. She figured what better way to win him back than to write a love song about him and invite him to the Conan OBrien show where she will sing it to him. Conan asks if he’s there.

She says, “Gawd, I hope so?”

Then she looks out into the crowd and points out a complete stranger and says, “This is for you. Oh yeah, I didn’t write any words because the truth is, no words could express for how much I miss you!”

That in itself was funny haha. But it’s one of those “you had to be there” to appreciate how funny it was. BUT THEN…she proceeds to sing no, NO .. not SING.. cuz there are NO WORDS TO THE SONG! She HUMMMSSSS her love song while jamming on the guitar.

Ok maybe that’s also a location joke.. as in YOU HAD TO BE THERE. If you find it on video somewhere, I think you will laugh your ass off, SERIOUSLY!

BIG PROPS to Charlene Yi! For one thing, she rocks the guitar. And two? Great sense of humor.

Anyways, other than that… no sleep… more late night t.v. then a bunch of tossing and turning. Then wide awake at 5:00am where I proceeded to continually talk myself OUT of getting up and going for a jog around the park or something else equally constructive.

Yeah, you read right. I talked myself OUT of it. I know! Just shoot me and put me out of my fat misery for gawds sake! I do not deserve to be skinny. Not with THIS attitude, anyways!

On the plus side? Here are my results for yesterday!

*I was only over by 34 calories! *

yayayayayay! Whooo hoooooo!!!! Not bad!

My only bad choice yesterday?


Turns out it’s not as low in calories as I thought. So no more salami for me, dammit!  3 pieces equalled 204 calories. Not a salami sanwich, peeps! Just the salami itself. I COULD HAVE HAD A LITTLE DEBBIE’S STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE ROLL for that amount of calories. Geezzzzz! 

I tried to do a healthy antipasto salad type of thing with the fancy lettuce, salami and an avocado and what do I get in return? 265 calories worth of SHIT! AND… a feeling of having an empty stomach!

Oh well, live and learn right?


On the plus side? I had much healthier snacks than “12 beers” hehehehehe. And they were yummy! 

A queso fresco and avocado sanwich. Filling and YUMMY! And healthy too!

A queso fresco and avocado sanwich. Filling and YUMMY! And healthy too!



Baked Potato=OUT! Pirates=IN

One of the many things I LOVE about my LOSE IT app on my iPhone is the fact that I can look back on my previous days and see just EXACTLY where I’m going wrong and where I’m actually wasting calories.


So, Sunday, for example…. I could have probably been ok without the baked potato for lunch. I mean, you think it’s one teeny tiny potato. It’s ok to have a teeny tiny potato for lunch, right? WRONG. What a waste of 393 calories!

Saturday I enjoyed two refreshing glasses of lemonade and a coca cola classic. It was a nice hot day… sitting out by the pool. It seemed like a good idea at the time. You know how many calories it cost me? FREAKEN 320!


I mean, seriously? I could have almost had a wasteful baked potato instead of the damned lemonade. It woulda been almost the same damned thing. SHIT! Of course both times I was still hungry after and so both are a waste of calories but now I know if I’m gonna waste my calories I’d rather drink WATER and go with the baked potato.

In other news… Pee Wee football has officially started! WOOT!! Mr. Twinkie is the head coach of our team, the Pirates. Cabana Boy is his offensive coach. *Oops I mean, yeah, he can sometimes be a little offensive, but I think the correct term is offense coach? NO? Well… what the hell do I know? hahaha I’ll get this terminology down eventually though, right?

Mr. Twinkie and Cabana Boy at a golf tournament

Mr. Twinkie and Cabana Boy at a golf tournament

Anyways… I’m excited! I think it’s going to be a GREAT year! This will be the last year Annequin and Big Mickey get to be in the same age group. So I will definitely appreciate and enjoy the fact that I don’t have to go to two different practices and two different games. Until next year, that is.

Annequin runs the ball while Big Mickey defends! (this picture was taken last year)

Annequin runs the ball while Big Mickey defends! (this picture was taken last year)



Operation Donut: Day Three

Day Three was a bit more succesful, I think.

I had fruit for breakfast. No coffee.

Coffee= what can I munch on while drinking my coffee which basically translates into cookies, twinkies, zingers, etc.

The funny thing is I haven’t been drinking beer as much as I used to. I’ve always thought my beer drinking was the cause of my pony keg because I typically don’t eat fattening foods and definitely don’t eat sweets.

So the general rule has always been that when I do drink? I crave less sweets. When I don’t drink? 

Sweets galore.

Major craveage!

Ok so back to day three:

I had a turkey/salami sandwich on whole wheat for lunch. Nothing else. Not bad right? I mean, I KNOW that sandwiches are actually LOADED with calories(560 to be exact) but health-wise, a pretty good choice. What kills that good choice is if you add a soft drink, or chips, etc which is why I was pretty proud of myself.

A few hours later, though?

I rewarded myself with a strawberry shortcake roll.

I know, I KNOW!!!

Does it make you think better of me if I tell you I didn’t have dinner last night? 


Well what if I told you the reason I didn’t have dinner is because I had four beers instead? hahahahah

Oh SHUT IT! This is new to me. And it’s hard.

But today is a new day! And today? My new motto today is: